Compersion and Jealousy

Are they two parts of the same emotion?

Photo by I.am_nah on Unsplash

Commonly used in conversations about polyamory and consensual non-monogamy (though relevant in all forms of friendships and relationships), the word compersion is often framed as being the opposite of jealousy.

It is a positive feeling that comes up while seeing someone you care about enjoying meaningful connections, getting their needs met in other relationships, and having fun in other parts of their lives. Does that feel scary to read? Exciting? Familiar?

I nearly put the term positive feeling in quotes just now because we tend to frame emotions as somehow being “bad” or “good” based on how they feel. Jealousy does hurt, and compersion does feel good. But I want to talk about the fact that this doesn’t make jealousy something to be ashamed of or to feel bad about.

In fact, I believe that painful emotions are the clearest and most important indicators of our unmet needs and should be celebrated and shared for this key role they play. I believe that they are key forces moving us towards health, comfort, connection, and joy.

An Internal Compass

If you hold a physical compass near a magnet, the needle will be responding to the whole magnetic field. It will point towards one end or “pole” of the magnet and away from the other, but it’s one single field of force that is making this happen.

I’d like to argue that jealousy and compersion are, in a way, two parts of the same emotional system or spectrum, functioning like the two poles of one “magnetic field” that guides our internal compasses towards having our needs securely met in our relationships. They both move us in the same direction.

Imagine, for a second, that instead of becoming angry at yourself for feeling jealous, or lashing out at a loved one because it’s such a painful emotion, you interpret it compassionately as a little “check engine light” on your inner dashboard telling you that you have an unmet need.

Maybe the need is to feel secure, or to have more conversation and clarity, or to feel that there’s a commitment in place to come back to connection later in a way that’s responsive to each person’s emotions and needs. Maybe it’s something else completely.

But whatever this need is, viewing jealousy as an important and internally intelligent signal allows you to speak about the experience without shame, share and act upon what you need, and reach a point of repair and resolution.

And once all your needs are met without being threatened or ignored, how could you not feel joy, feel compersion, at the thought of a loved one having beauty and warmth in their life?

What if compersion is fulfilled jealousy? What if both emotions are manifestations of the same “emotional field” guiding your inner compass towards relationship security and satisfaction? What if jealousy is the thing that leads you home to compersion, as long as you let yourself listen to it?

Let me know what you think, and feel free to toss this perspective out the window completely if it feels unhelpful. But maybe it brings to mind ways you might be able to better listen to your own emotional guidance system.

Hopefully it helps you give yourself and all the people in your life a gentler and softer hug when there’s hurt. And hopefully it helps you navigate more and more towards a life of healthy connection and well-being. May you find all the forms of connection that make you feel whole, seen, liberated, and embraced.

Wishing you lots of love,

— Alex